Life in the realms of BPD

I have experienced some different silences recently, all mean something but why is hard to define. I like many with BPD get paranoid about anyone who doesnt react or say what I thought they would or should, when someone isnt commenting when everyone one else is I get concerned and wonder if they are making an effort to make a point or they are struggling to say anything for reasons unknown.

In my dark and twisted moments I attribute many ideas to people around me and I accept that I am usually wrong by some degrees, but occasionally I think I might have cracked it. In the past few weeks I have monitored what is being said by everyone in my theatre of influence, some very heart felt comments and statements are put out there and rather oddly some people are saying lots but nothing at the same time and it disturbs me somewhat.

I accept that everyone has the right to express themselves, as long as they dont demean others or cause deliberate offence, I even agree that of offence was incidental and not meant it can be forgiven and should be in my mind, there is too much effort by people to find fault with others and this can lead to disgruntled folks who could easily have just shrugged and got on with their own lives but instead react poorly and look for injury when none was intended.

That said I have been very interested in some of what has been said, on different subjects and about things of no import at all while saying nothing at all about important issues which should be acknowledged in my mind, the eloquence of their silence making it clear what they are saying without the need for words. Confusing? maybe but in this instance I am certain their is almost a passive aggressive posture being used to throw attitudes and opinions about whilst pretending to be saying nothing at all, and to be honest it angers me and brings me to feel that I should either leave the group or reject the people or persons involved, to in essence censure them myself, a risky thing to do when I admit my thought are jumbled and could be misconstrued, but still I claim enough insight to see what is being done, if not said by the guilty parties.

I too have left things unsaid, deliberately and know the power of what I am doing, does this make me a hypocrite, possibly but I do so for reasons of expedience and courtesy, not as a method of pushing my opinions onto a group, I will if asked offer my opinion but in some area something must be said and if the people involved choose to remain silent then I can see it as a form of attack, and knowing how I feel and other too it could be seen almost as ghoulish and unpleasant, what do I do about this if anything is the question and I suppose by noting in public the loudness of this silence i may bring it to the fore and force the people involved to change their tack, do I want to?not really I just want it duly noted that saying nothing whilst talking incessantly is likely to upset and cause offence and I feel it would be deemed deliberate.

So this last week has been a toughie emotionally, you can probably tell from my last post I have lost someone very important to my recovery and so has a lot of people, most of whom have BPD so dealing with all our emotions at once has been trying. I am pretty level at the moment so quite rightly I have tried to support those who are more vulnerable right now but I dont really want to, not because I’m mean spirited I just cant be arsed.

I have had a great weekend with my family, no internet so no contact on facebook or any other medium and I can exclusively reveal life without social networking exists and its pretty good. I was camping so mod cons were out the window, not even a TV and we survived, no we thrived and even my youngest at 6 managed to survive with just a DVD at bedtime, and he didnt manage half an hour before he fell asleep. This weekend in poor weather was great but as with everything that is outside of the BPD grind it ends.

Coming back felt OK, no impending doom in my head but being here is another matter, the whole world is still crap, Rogers still dead and everyone still thinks I’m either cured or crazy, no middle ground and its tough right now not to feel down and a little pissed off. People that should know better say things they shouldnt, those I used to rely on are missing, not in reality but figuratively and I am trying to support my wife who is struggling with her own demons, in reality I want to curl up and see out the next few weeks, not fulfil my obligations to my charity roles but this is the last thing I should be doing, in fact I should be upping my involvement to use up the dead time, I know this but I cant do it, I will do what I signed on for and no more, maybe by doing the little things big stuff will be sorted as well but I dont know and I suppose this is the time to look back on my past posts, read the good times and remind myself of what I have done and can do, maybe it is time but today I dont want to, theres always tomorrow, which is true in most cases but not all.

A truly great man has passed from this world, he wont be lauded in the press or canonised for his work but in reality he should be amongst the highest ranked of the legions now departed. For reasons of courtesy I will only say He was called Roger, and to those who knew him it was not a case of needing another half of the name to identify him, for some it enough just to say, Roger said to know what was going on.

BPD is much maligned, often badly treated and professionals usually allow sufferers to act out in order to get a quiet life, Roger didnt hold with that idea, he could seem brutal at times, was accused of being cruel,always unfairly, but most of all he knew how to treat BPD, it was his life’s work and the set up he leaves behind will no doubt continue using his methods for many years helping countless numbers of people, but it will be diminished by his absence. When I had the great honour of meeting him I liked him straight away, not something I can say often and especially during my BPD phase of life. He was brash and welcoming in the same moment, I was pretty wound up and fearful of how I would be received and he allayed my fears with a smile and generous introduction, it was a momentous day at the group but I remember him most easily because I hadn’t encountered anyone of his ilk before.

Throughout my year in the unit he was my lead therapist but he was also the main cause of movement in me and almost everyone else in our group, when he was involved with the larger group he would “throw hand grenades” as we called it, saying things that no one else would have dared but never for effect, there was purpose in his ways and usually any rancour would fade away once the recipient of the volley had realised the truth behind, not alway and he rued those who failed to get it, when I left I remarked that I was likely to be forgotten, not in a negative way but it is the way of such programmes, the doors swing both ways and new faces replace old, he smiled and went on to explain how he could remember every soul who had walked into the unit in his years, some were just faces until he was reminded more but most he could relate back to us if he so wished, it made a huge difference to me and I believe it to be true.

For such a man, who was tasked with dealing with the untreatable he did it with hard headed resolve, where some of his staff would back down or apologise for hurt feelings Roger didnt have to, he would just explain his side of the situation and leave us to behave as adults should, that was his strength to imbue us not with BPD victim status but ask us to be adults, we may struggle in life and he acknowledged this but he wanted us to relate to life as grown ups with value of our own, not given by others but inherent in ourselves, it was a breath of fresh air to me and so many others that it worked its magic and gave BPD sufferers their own lives back.

There are so many eminent men who are lauded for the lives they saved, Oncologists , cardiologists and countless others. anyone in the psychiatric side of medicine rarely gets such rewards, but Roger saved lives, countless lives in fact and not just those he met but many through those he taught to continue his methods, the true number will never be known, the statistics dont tell you who lived so its hard to measure but when it is finally reckoned and his worth worked out there will be so many things in his favour it would boggle the mind. He would rightly point out he was a leader of a team and this is only right to say, there are others who worked with him, his clinical partner is also an amazing woman with a very different but equally effective style, she will no doubt carry on the good fight and his staff did things to the best of the abilities, if they didnt quite match up to Rogers standards that is not to their chagrin, no one could or ever will.

Roger was as true a friend to BPD sufferers as any before or likely to ever be, he will be mourned and remembered for lifetimes to come as the man who made those lives possible, my children will be told of him and so will many others, Rest in Peace.

I am a big Bruce Springsteen fan and listening to some of his tracks over the past few weeks has been good, there are a few songs which do intrude in my mind, the words or subject matter strike a nerve. One such song is called One step up, which tells of a man struggle in life for every step up he falls two steps back. The song isnt too sad and the words arent so similar that I get that strange BPD thing that its written for me or he has a special connection with my life, he doesnt and I dont.

The words strike me so because its how I would have described my life up til now, and this is the good bit I guess because I am saying up until now, thereby suggesting it has changed and that’s the good bit. I am very careful about suggesting my life is good now, its better but by saying its good I am tempting fate and that is where I find myself right now, worried I am tempting fate and always cautious of not over stating how things are for fear someone or something will upset the apple cart. Is this a BPD thing? Does it mean I will always be looking over my shoulder for the bad news to arrive, will I ever just relax and enjoy life, accept my lot?

I will say that today I am relatively happy, tomorrow I might not be but I will state that I have life pretty well sorted, my meds work, stress is controlled and I can regress without fear of failing anyone, safe in the knowledge I can move forward again once I’m ready. I also know I am lucky, my wife does so much to ensure I am protected from lifes iniquities, yes we struggle sometimes but that’s life for everyone not just us and my wonderful children, who must have suffered some deficit by being mine have never let it be known, maybe one day they will come to me with their complaints but somehow I dont see it happening, more by luck than judgement I guess. In the end I will stick a stake in the ground and say today I am well, my petty crap is much like everyone elses and it will last as long as it does, when it does end I know now it will come back even if I dont recognise it at the time, this will be there for me to read and hopefully it will serve me well.

And if all else fails there are a few other songs which lift me up and I thank the Boss for that saving grace.